Wall 444

2 days until Scottatlantadad visits!   WOOHOO!

I'm crazy.

But love usually is too.

Why is it that when you offer someone a deal, instead of accepting it and being happy that they even got a deal, they turn around and ask for more, especially when they were unaware that they could even get any sort of a deal less than 5 seconds ago.

It's almost Spring already?  Where did the year go?  Maybe it's been all that snow that's kept me in a winter mindset.....

Now to do those New Years resolutions I had been meaning to do.....

Lately (and by lately I mean over the past 2 years) I have been trying to deal with this feeling that I've been slowly wasting my life away and that I need to wake up and start actually living.  While I realize that I'm still young and shouldn't spend time beating myself up over not knowing what I want and what I want to do, at some point I have to accept that if I really want to accomplish some of the things I want to in life, I have to get off my ass and start working towards it.  I'm well aware of the fac that for the past few years I've been shirking the responsibility of working hard and doing my best to avoid having to 'grow up'. 

Part of it is that I feel like I grew up too fast in my childhood and never got to fully experience being a kid; part of it is fear:  fear of change, fear of failure, fear that I'm not doing it right, fear of missing out on something better, fear of not being good enough or fear of not living up to my own expectations.  Added to that is the fact that I've lived a pretty spoiled and sheltered live so far all considered:  School was always easy for me, I didn't have to work hard to get good grades, tuition was paid for, my parents had money, I never HAD to work, and I landed my first job really easily.  I feel like I've been able to coast through a lot of life based on natural ability and social priviledges, and while I can imagine some people would be extremely happy in my situation, I'm left wanting more.

I realize that while I enjoy my life and enjoy taking it easy, there is something inside me that drives me to want to be better.  I also know at this stage I'm  frozen with inertia and afraid of moving forward, working hard, and really putting myself into moving forward.  One of my biggest fears has been that I won't be able to find my passion, that I won't be able to perform up to my expectations.  I know I'm also afraid of having to make too many sacrifices in order to meet some of my goals, that I can't have it both ways.  I have seen far too many people go through this route and end up working somewhere they don't really want to, doing something they don't really like doing, and being stuck in the 'rat race' of life, working for the paycheck and unable to move forward because of uncertainty, because of commitments, and because of their own fear.  I've always told myself that I would never place myself in that position, but it seems like I'm finding myself slowly being sucked into it already.  While I can still see an easy way to break out of it, I can see that it's that fear of being stuck in that cycle that's causing me to be mired in it now.

I can only use the excuse that I'm young and have plenty of time for so long.  I'm always reminded of the philosophy that life is short, and that every moment is precious.   I just need to find some inspiration from within myself.
 

Ever get up to go do something, start walking, and then completely forget what it was you were going to do?  I think I'm having one of those days.  If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was becoming senile.  Senility is an interesting thing, apparently it can....wait, what was I trying to say again?  Ooh look a shiny thing.

The Bucket List. Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then send it to your friends.

Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school
() Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
()Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
() Been on a helicopter
(x) Been lost
(x) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
() Played cops and robbers
() Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only
() Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
() Made prank phone calls
() Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose &/or elsewhere
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
() Danced in the rain-naked
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
() Watched the sunrise with someone
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
() Been deep sea fishing
(x) Driven across the United States
() Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
() Lived in more than one country
(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(x) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty
() Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(x) Been on a cruise
() Traveled by train
() Traveled by motorcycle
(x) Been horse back riding
(x) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(x) Been to Disneyland/ Disney World
() Truly believe in the power of prayer
(x) Been in a rain forest
() Seen whales in the ocean
(x) Been to Niagara Falls
() Ridden on an elephant
() Ridden on a Camel
() Swam with dolphins
() Been to the Olympics
(x) Walked on the Great Wall of China
() Saw and heard a glacier calf
() Been spinnaker flying
() Been water-skiing
(x) Been snow-skiing
() Been to Westminster Abbey
() Been to the Louvre
() Swam in the Mediterranean
() Been to the Great Pyramid in Egypt
() Been to a Major League Baseball game

Coupe notes: I've been in the Space Needle, but not all the way to the top.  Also one of these things is not like the others.....Truly Believe in the power of prayer?  That's not something you DO.

I've been a lazy LJer lately so figured it's time for another post.  I wish I had the gift of words that other people on here seem to have, but I find that I have trouble articulating the various insights that I have from time to time that I wish to share with people.  As organized as I try to be, it's due more to necessity as I can be quite ADD at times and need to be able to sort through the chaos that are my thoughts.  Even writing this far has taken me a couple of edits and a tremendous amount of willpower in order to focus, and not get distracted by other things on the computer.

At any rate, one of the interesting insights that I've had lately is with regard to myself and how I've been able to deal with certain situations that I'm finding pretty amazing  (for me).  As most of you know, Valentines Day is coming up soon for better or for worse, and somewhere along the way amongst my craziness of thoughts is the realization that this is going to be the first one in 5 years that I'll be single for the occasion.  Let's face it, that's not necessarily the happiest thought in the world.   What I realize now though, and what was quite a jolt of an insight for me, is the recognition that I always seem to want to use these kind of thoughts as an excuse to let me feel sorry for myself and to kick myself down which subsequently leads me to withdraw and to start that whole negative cycle.  While this isn't necessarily the first time I've recognized this about myself, what surprises me this time is the acute clarity of not only the self-consciousness of this realization, but also the fact that I can so clearly see a choice with this to change the way I react.  I can't remember a time when I've been able to pull myself out of these thoughts and say, fuck it, why would I want to use this to make me feel sorry for myself?  I refuse to do it.  I refuse to give myself ammunition to shoot myself with.   Had I forgotten about Valentines, I wouldn't have dragged myself down anyway, so why should I go to all that effort to ruin my day or my week?  

This may not be a big thing for a lot of people who might do this all the time, but it's a huge thing for me to come to.  I realize that the choice has always been there for me, I'm just astounded that I've never been able to see it so clearly before.  Everyone always says that happiness is a choice and while I've always believed (or wanted to believe) in that statement, my cynical response to it has always been that it's not that easy.  Well, for whatever reason on this occasion, it really is easy for me, and as corny as it might sound, I choose to be happy.  I choose to say fuck you to the depressing thoughts and choose to go out and have a great Valentines.  Who says that it's all about having to have a romantic partner?  No one says I can't go out and have fun single!  So, anyone want to do anything for Valentines Day?

Picture is worth a thousand words.



Soooo good, but sooooo bad.

Random Question

How much does recognition really mean to you?  If for example you performed really well in either some competition or project, and everyone invovled knew that you did well but you didn't get formally recognized for it, would it really matter to you?  If you knew you did a good job, and the people who really mattered knew you did a good job, and you got the results that you wanted, but other people got recognized ahead of you, how much would it really matter to you?